Vaginismus Explained

Why a “tight pussy” isn’t just about relaxation

This post is for anyone with a vagina—but if you’re curious about vaginismus and “tightness,” stay.

Have you ever felt pain or discomfort during sex? Have you ever felt so tight that penetration became difficult?

Maybe you can’t even insert a tampon, or you’re dreading the medical exam at your gyn’s because the thought alone makes your vagina clench?

Tightness affects many of us with a vagina, but it doesn’t always mean you’re not prepared for penetrative sex, or have a “too small” pussy.

It also doesn’t mean you need to relax more, breathe into it, blah blah.

In most cases, this probably doesn’t help anyway, because no matter how wet or how deeply relaxed you are during sex, the tightness remains.

And when it does, chances are, there’s an underlying condition causing the discomfort or pain.

Let’s talk about vaginismus (and tightness).

With this post, I want to raise awareness because even today, many women (or anyone with a vagina) have no clue what their bodies—and subconscious—are actually trying to tell them.

There will be several posts about this topic because it’s too important and too layered to fit it all into one. This post is meant to give you an overview.

Note: Even if you don’t suffer from vaginismus, but tightness in general, this post is for you! I don’t make that distinction between a diagnosis and someone’s personal experience. Tightness is tightness.

And don’t worry. This won’t be your typical clinical, scientific essay about a “dysfunction” (yeah, that’s what a science paper labelled vaginismus—as if our pussies could ever be dysfunctional).

This is based on lived experience, told from a holistic health perspective (yes, I’m a certified holistic health practitioner and energy healer, I know my shit), and written with a lot of love and empathy for those who suffer from vaginismus and vaginal tightness.

That said, I’m not against the approach and treatments of modern Western medicine—they seem to help. My intention is not to divert you from them.

I just think that there are other, perhaps more efficient ways to heal.

I suggest you read this with an open mind and heart. Some things might resonate, others might not. And that’s totally okay. If you know what’s right for you and what’s not, you’re already ahead of the crowd!

What’s Vaginismus?

Let’s start by understanding what vaginismus is about, and why it’s “different” from other kinds of tightness.

Vaginismus is when the pelvic floor muscles involuntarily and uncontrollably contract, tightening the vagina and making penetration difficult, painful, or, in some severe cases, impossible.

Your vagina suddenly tightens up when you try to insert something, whether that’s a tampon, that monstrous device the gynaecologist uses, a sex toy, a finger or your partner’s dick.

Understandably so. It’s a natural protection mechanism. Our pussies are not designed to accommodate a dick, like it’s their full-time job! When not aroused, anything pushed inside can feel like an intrusion, and some bodies just react a bit more... “radically.”

The sensations when you have vaginismus can vary from person to person, but generally, you feel intense pain—so much so that you have to stop, unless you have a very, very high pain tolerance and somehow manage to push through.

To me, it always feels like I’m (or my partners were) hitting a wall. My pussy clenches down like no tomorrow. She literally slams her door shut. No way in hell would I be able to insert anything!

The thing that differentiates vaginismus from general tightness: you can be aroused, your body can be totally relaxed, but your vagina still refuses to be penetrated and tightens up.

The good news: vaginismus is treatable—with both conventional and holistic methods (more about that later).

How Do I Know I Have Vaginismus?

A visit to your gynaecologist can help if you’re unsure, or if you want to rule out other causes for your tightness, such as infections, scarring, or an STD.

Your healthcare professional will most likely take note of your symptoms and your sexual history, and follow up with a gentle pelvic exam, if tolerated, to check on the muscle contractions.

Another way, if doctors scare you, is to see a pelvic floor physical therapist.

What Causes Vaginismus?

According to science, it’s a phobic disorder (again, a beautiful scientific description...) often caused by fear or anticipation of pain, or emotional distress. Past trauma, anxiety, menopause, and infections can also create the condition.

It’s more psychological than physiological, as opposed to “general” vaginal tightness, which can stem from a hypertonic pelvic floor (overactive pelvic floor muscles), not being aroused enough, an STD, an injury or an inflexible hymen.

I believe the nervous system plays an important role here, too. If you’re stuck in survival mode, it affects your whole body—and yes, that includes your muscles! Constant fear and worry can cause your pelvic floor to contract (and so, so much more—more on that in a follow-up post).

I’m not sure if it necessarily causes vaginismus, but it can definitely contribute to your tightness (knowing this through my own experience).

That all being said, this is where I don’t agree with science and why I told you, if you don’t have vaginismus, to read on. I think:

Tightness Is Tightness

...and it’s far more interesting to figure out why you’re tight—as in, what’s your body trying to tell you—instead of finding a diagnosis, a label, for your symptoms.

If the cause of your tightness is an STD, an inflexible hymen, or a hypertonic pelvic floor (caused by wrong posture, not trauma), then your why is quite “simple”; it’s physiological or anatomical.

You can address this with the help of your gynaecologist or a physiotherapist/osteopath (wrong posture issues).

If you’re not aroused enough, your body isn’t ready for penetration, hence the tightness. For some, more foreplay does the trick. For most, I think, the solution is a little more complex, involving psychological and/or emotional aspects (I speak from experience, and will get into this in a follow-up post).

For example, maybe you’re not really attracted to your partner, and your body is simply telling you, no. Maybe your libido is suppressed by hormonal birth control. Maybe you feel uncomfortable with sex. Maybe you feel ashamed of or disgusted by your desires—whether that’s conscious or subconscious… and so on and so forth.

If you have an injury or infection, the tightness is clearly telling you that your body needs to fully heal first. In case the tightness remains, though, you might want to keep reading. Trauma may be causing your discomfort, which means you probably have vaginismus.

The Underlying Fear and Other Emotions

Vaginismus is usually caused by fear, but also other emotions, such as shame and disgust. By the way, a hypertonic pelvic floor is often, too! For that reason, I don’t really like to make a distinction between the two…

You see, our subconscious remembers everything, recording every little detail of every single experience we’ve had. Besides, our bodies store memories and emotions—not just in our brains. The whole body is a living, breathing library!

This is something that modern Western science often overlooks, or refuses to acknowledge, because it’s just “woo-woo.”

But traditional medicine has been around for millennia, treating and healing people all over the world.

Here is what’s interesting, and why I think the holistic health approach is worth a look: our emotional centre is located in the pelvic region, also called the sacral chakra (chakra = energy centre, to keep it simple). So, that’s the womb space for us.

This area is associated with the emotions of shame and guilt, and the energy centre (the root chakra) just below, near our tailbone, relates to fear and the feeling of safety and security.

The exact emotions we’re usually dealing with when vaginismus plagues us. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

There will be another post where I’ll dive deeper into the holistic approach, but I wanted to mention this here.

So, if we feel shame, guilt, fear or unsafe, it primarily has an impact on our pelvis, and our vagina—especially when these emotions are connected to sex in particular (but don’t have to).

The emotions that force the pelvic floor or vaginal muscles to contract can be felt consciously—for example, being afraid of experiencing pain during sex—or they bypass your awareness entirely, and you don’t really know why you’re suddenly so tight (it’s subconscious).

Quick Example

I tried to have sex some time ago, and hadn’t had it for 5 years at that point. I was relaxed, I wanted it, and I felt safe with him. Nevertheless, my pussy clenched, and it hurt like hell. There was no way for him to enter.

I was so annoyed because I did everything “right,” and still, my body reacted in this way.

So, what happened?

Many things.

First of all, I hadn’t had sex in quite a while, but also, I was in a deep healing phase, which I was only semi-aware of. My body knew, though, so it prevented me from having sex. A self-protection thing, I suppose.

Because of the absence of intimacy, I actually developed a few subconscious, negative feelings towards sex.

Like, disgust: I was stepping away from hypersexuality, and realised that the way people had sex wasn’t for me—it disgusted me.

Shame: my confidence suffered, and suddenly I worried about my looks and…smell...taste. And I felt ashamed of wanting to have sex.

And fear: after 5 years without sex, it felt like my first time, and I was accompanied by all the fears and insecurities of a virgin.

When we tried to have sex, I wasn’t aware of these feelings. They were running the show in the background. It only dawned on me a few weeks later, when I learned about vaginismus for the first time, trying to figure out what happened to me.

How to Treat Vaginismus

Conventional medicine recommends treatments involving a combination of talk/sex therapy and working with vaginal dilators—dildo-shaped devices—to gradually stretch the vaginal canal and gain control of your pelvic floor.

I mean, honestly, it’s great that they include talk therapy because we’re obviously treating a psychological cause here.

But from a holistic perspective, this approach is incomplete and only scratches the surface. Besides, it goes against our beautiful bodies.

Those dilators? That’s forcing your body into something it’s not ready for—even if it’s gradual—and completely ignores its message. Honestly, to me, that’s such a “male,” logic-driven solution.

It’s a bit forceful and violates our already delicate lady parts. Like, let’s pop something into her pussy, because she’s dysfunctional and we need to fix her.

(My opinion, okay? If you feel like the dilators could actually help you, go for it! Seriously! Always listen to your body. They might just be what you need.)

You know, our body speaks to us, and pain is its loudest means of communication. It’s like a wake-up call.

Vaginismus and tightness are an emotional and/or psychological matter. When you work on your emotions (the fear, the guilt, the shame, etc) and remove your blockages, your muscles will relax all on their own. No stretching or forcing your body into something.

There are many different ways to release trapped emotions and relieve tightness. Breathwork, meditation, regulating your nervous system, tantra, gentle yoga, and qigong are just some suggestions out of many.

What To Do Next

The most important thing to remember is that vaginismus and tightness are treatable, and know that you’re not alone!

If you’re unsure about the reason for your tightness, it might be a good idea to check in with your gynaecologist first, just to rule out physical causes, like infection.

Whether you choose the treatments modern medicine is offering, or lean more towards the gentler, holistic approach, you’ll get through this. You’re not meant to suffer.

Sex is not supposed to be painful. Ever!

You might need some patience, especially with yourself. Don’t let your partner, in case you’re in a relationship, pressure you.

After all, sex doesn’t solely revolve around penetration—or his erection. It’s about mutual pleasure. Only do what feels good for you, and let your partner know what that is, and how and where to touch you! Communication is key!

Experiment with more play. Penetration is not the goal here! Maybe oral sex, nipple play, or a sensual massage... Learn to feel comfortable with other forms of intimacy. There are sooo, so many! Have some fun exploring your body (that’s part of the healing, hint hint).

For me, self-exploration was the most beneficial. There was no pressure, no disappointment, and no obligation. When my finger hit my pussy’s wall, I knew to back off and kept to clitoral stimulation. No harm done. This way, I learned and understood my body’s subtle cues.

As someone with a “tight pussy,” I can relate to what you’re going through. And for that reason, my DMs are open for you. If you have any questions or want to share your story, please feel free to message me. I’m here to support you in whichever way I can.

Or leave a comment! You know, your story or healing journey might help, encourage or inspire others, too!

As already mentioned, there will be more posts about tightness—and healing it. Make sure to subscribe or follow to not miss out, and/or to support my work :).

In the meantime, you may also enjoy reading other Substacks about vaginismus (I highly recommend beautiful Brittany’s Substack “Hard Things”)!

Okay, bye for now.
With so much love,
Your Sexless Girl, Julia

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